Surrender is the one word I think about most.
How do I surrender more to life? How do I trust that whatever is supposed to happen will happen?
I have a strong mind. A really strong mind.
Part of me is always thinking 1000 moves ahead. Part of me analyses every outcome and every interaction. There is a part of me that always has a plan for everything; a way of making it easy, rather than by me simply being easy. I find it exhausting.
I have written about this before, but my outside projection doesn’t always match what is happening inside. I think the best analogy of this is the duck: serene on the surface, but paddling hard underneath.
Learning to trust and let go of the mind forms the basis of most of the inner work I have done on myself in recent years.
The first time I recognised the loudness of my mind was during my explorations with the transformational psychedelic Ayahuasca last year. It was the first time I had really heard the voice inside my own head and how loud and incessant it was.
During my trips to the the deep neuroscience facility Biocybernaut this year, I started to enquire and learn about where this noise comes from. Stories and experiences of the past have been held onto, and fears have subconsciously developed from those experiences. That noise from my mind was trying to keep me safe from dangers that are long gone.
There are moments and periods in my life when I do actually let go. Periods of presence when life can feel beyond remarkable. Where synchronicity abounds. Where everything feels just as it should be.
And yet, at times I feel as if I am on the edge in the dark: yet I don’t know where the edge is. The questions keep coming and the mind whirrs away unnecessarily to find answers that are not needed.
- Will the resources I need arrive before my own resources run out?
- Will this crazy project we are doing ever work out?
- Will life work out?
- Will I ever find a lasting inner peace?
On the quiet, joyful days, there is no need for these questions. There is a trust and a knowing that everything is as it is supposed to be.
And then there are the noisy days. Where an interaction can knock me off my centre, inside. And the voice starts planning away, thinking of every scenario to work it out. To come up with answers that I don’t actually need. The voice that takes me away from being with life. The voice that traps me in my mind, trying to control what can’t be controlled.
I am tired of it. I would like to give in to life, neither resisting nor ignoring what comes across my path. Treasuring that voice, but not letting it contort me from within is my great wish, and also my great work.
Why do I share all this? First, to be transparent about where I am on my journey, in the hope that this part of my story resonates and connects with others. Secondly, to share openly what I struggle with, knowing that there are people out there who have experiences to share or even ways to assist in this journey. Thirdly, that the act of writing down and sharing creates an attraction – meaning that what I wish for most in the world is more likely to happen.
Take care.
Marc
P.S. Look out for my event announcement next week. On October 17th, The Dandelion Project will be hosting Thrive2020, an event to transform the approach to mental health provision and prevention in the island nation of Guernsey. We will be taking on one of the biggest health challenges facing the world.
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Like you, part of me is always thinking many moves ahead. You indicate you manage 1000 moves ahead, I average about 1002. If anyone says they think more moves ahead than me then I can say in advance that I am thinking at least 2 moves ahead of them. So they either have got their calculations wrong re moves ahead or they are lying. Their move. I’ve already done mine.
Marc,
Other than a couple of words, this is a post I would have written. The questions you ask are the ones I ask almost every day. The emotions you articulate are the ones I feel on an ongoing basis.
I keep posting that the concept of coming together as community is the best, if not only, way to BE in this world. It holds the answers to all of our questions. It holds the answers to all of our social woes. It holds passion, it holds purpose. As I continue to grow my (or should I say our) Healthy Community project (we sometimes use the tagline “World’s Healthiest Community” though I suspect that will change as we grow into this a bit more), I often find myself overthinking and trying to control the outcome. I find it very easy to step back and tell myself over and over “Surrender and Trust. Surrender and Trust. Surrender and Trust.” And then I find myself slipping back into the same questions over and over.
Sincerely, I hope this response helps me in the same three ways you list at the end of your post.
This is a helluva journey we are on my friend. We are ALL in this together. It is becoming clearer every day. As much as our journey is to keep stepping forward, one step at a time, know that the size of the team is growing. Know that you are not alone. Know that there are people helping to cut the path. And don’t be afraid to look back and see how far you’ve come. I’m pretty sure you won’t be able to see the Start line in your field of vision.
Namaste, Ken
Marc,
I have really enjoyed reading your past posts, but this one in particular really spoke to me. I want to Tank You for this and all of the work you do. I also really liked Ken’s comments. Very insightful.
Best, Mickey
I also want to Thank You, not just Tank You.
Best,
Mickey
Two things.
Faith – as in the majority of the population of the planet believe in something / someone higher than themselves`. 2 billion + Chistians, 1.3 billion muslims + Hindus, Buddists – atheism hasnt ‘taken off’ in over 3000 years! And ‘catastrophizing’ a relatively well known form of mental glumness ( google it!) OR in a less intellectual context – Peter Melchett one of the founders of Greenpeace said ‘I prefer the optimism of action to the pessimism of thought’! Action is more important than thought.